I always have something unimportant to say. This is Artitude…. Live it. Poems….. Stories…. Writing…. Discoveries…. Quotes……

Archive for the ‘Matters of the heart’ Category

A St. VALENTINE’s DAY LOOP: of love and betrayal.


He only comes back anytime after 11, and falls straight into bed.

So wait, what? You think your life is hard? Have you ever had to go one whole year without a boyfriend? Oh that’s a small thing to you?, alright have you been in a position where there is no one to buy you a gift on St. Valentine’s day?, or when you know that you’re really Forever Alone because you end up buying a gift for yourself. Is it not about love? I love myself Jare. Or when you have to go out with a couple on Vals day, simply because you don’t have plans.

You might have been in these positions, but have you had to deal with the fact that your husband may be spending his Valentines day with your best friend?

Meet me, I’m Tara, I’m married with two Children, with great assets, a wonderful job as a full time housewife, a rich husband who spends most of his time out of the country, two cars, a big house and numerous house helps. Sounds like a dream life bah? That used to be theeeen, when I first got married.

I’m sitting on my desk writing this story in pain, and I’m wondering what went wrong, where it went wrong and how I can correct all my mistakes. I met Dele through my Best friend Sade, back in school. He used to be interested in her, but she never returned his feelings, they were friends of course, they even prayed together but she kept telling that she wasn’t ready for Marriage as opposed to what he wanted. In my Friendliness, I tried to convince her to return the love he showed her but she was only an expert at returning the Gifts he bought for her. She said her love could not be bought.

I on the other hand, didn’t have a boyfriend for a whole year, and even when I got into a semi-relationship, it was long distance. It wasn’t that I wasn’t beautiful, but it seemed as if a curse had been placed on me. The people who ever approached me were Bus Drivers, Brick layers and men from the lower scale of affluence. I remember the numerous Valentine days when I bought myself Gifts just to feel loved. I wasn’t complaining, I honestly wasn’t; maybe that’s why these things kept happening.
So when Dele who had chased my friend for two years without any sensible results swung his attention my way, I was shocked. I mean this was Dele, whom I had given tips on things to do to get my friend to get serious with him.

It was Sunday of 2003, two days after Valentines day, Valentine’s day for me had been the usual… I went to see my supervisor concerning my project work, after which I bought myself ice cream,went to the shopping Plaza and bought myself an expensive perfume; I saved two months for it. Two whole months.
I settled into bed that night on hi5 which used to be in Social network then. I was talking to my numerous distant online boyfriends. Life was hard. I heard a knock on the door, and I was surprised to find Sade when I opened it looking really angry, she was supposed to be out with Dele.

‘Can you imagine that Dele tried to kiss me, just because its Valentine’s day. Gosh I hate that boy, the only reason I still talk to him is because he’s nice….’
She paused to drink water from my fridge ‘…I wish I was you, having a wonderful day to myself’

No word of greeting, I was used to it. 🙂 When I finally got the full story from her, she told me of how they had planned to go out and afterward to his house and she had packed an overnight bag thinking it would be just like every other night. Just after a romantic dinner, Dele had tried to kiss her, and she took off angrily leaving her overnight bag in his car. I remember laughing so hard,cause I couldn’t believe that kissing Dele would feel so strange to her. I let her stay with me for the night and conveniently picked Deles calls each time it came in, telling him that she wasn’t with me.

And so that’s how I found myself two days later in Dele’s house trying to retrieve Sade’s sleep over things, she had told me where to get the spare key to the house from and finding her bag in his room wasn’t so difficult. I was laughing hard at the sight of her Bible in her bag; was she coming for a prayer session or what? Really she couldn’t be that Naïve. The sound of my laughter echoed through the empty house, I didn’t hear Dele come in through the back door.

It was his presence in the doorway of his room that made me conscious of his presence. He looked as Handsome as ever, and I handed him the ‘Goodbye letter’ that Sade told me to drop. Things weren’t going as planned, I was supposed to sneak in and out, he wasn’t even supposed to be home. He quickly went through the letter, and without much emotion asked me if I had read it. I nodded.

It was filled with explanations as to why she couldn’t go into any physical relationship with him, boundaries concerning her religion. And she expressed her disgust at his trying to kiss her. I felt sorry for him, I expressed it and tried to cover up for her as usual. Its not that I was loose, but there was nothing wrong in a harmless kiss. I don’t know the message he got, but before long we were kissing each other like we always wanted it, and we proceeded to do other things that Sade would have preached against.

Looking back, maybe that was a little bit wrong but it felt so right at the moment. I hadn’t expected anything serious to follow but he showered me with so much affection that I feel deeper into the love triangle. Within a week, I had moved out of my self contained room to a 2 bedroom flat in V.I.
I would have moved in with him but I didn’t have any intention to hurt Sade; for the same reason, we kept our affair from her. After all he wanted to get married and she said she wanted two Masters degrees before she was going to vaguely consider the idea. 12 months later, just after my convocation, Dele and I had a talk of the town wedding ceremony. I tried my best to make her understand, and she said she did. If she had any unexpressed feelings for Dele other than disgust, or any feelings of resentment against me, she certainly did a good job of covering it up.

Dele and I stayed in Lagos where I did my Youth Service, Sade traveled to the U.K where she intended to do her Masters Degree. And everybody lived happily ever after.

……Or so I thought.

Until she came back last December, two masters degrees later, still single and now 29 years old. Sade is back, and she seems to have waged a war against me and my innocent children. She started subtly at first, calling Dele to speak with me, with the claims that my phones were unreachable. Then she started talking at length with Dele on the phone. Sade who once was a spiritual wall of fire started inviting a married man over for dinner at her place. The first time he went, he said it was for old times sake, the 2nd time he only apologized for wasting the dinner I prepared for him. Dele who used to come home as early as 5p.m from work has now become a stranger to his children as he only comes back any time after 11p.m. He keeps giving me excuses, but his secretary; a married woman I employed for him has told me the truth. The man who saved me from eternal loneliness is causing more pain than I ever had.

As tears fall from my eyes, I reflect on the fact that tomorrow is another St. Valentine’s day, my 9th Marriage anniversary and he will probably be with her again. My life seems to have become a loop, once again I’m going to the Abyss of loneliness. My Children are too young to understand. I’m wondering what I can do to stop Sade forever. Should I poison her, or set her up? How do I go about it? Please tell me what to do.

Advertisements

I LOVE YOU


*Runs into blog hall; everybody silently eyeing my chest. I look down to find out that my buttons have popped open*

Me: Bless you sister, Bless you brother. (while closing buttons), geez I’m late as……..
Amir: Please bless me with a hug
Me: that’s not what we came here for, now will you kindly look up.
😀
*stage set, everybody in position, tape rolling, and action:

“I remember when I was in primary 4, our English teacher taught us how to write letters. That day I wrote a letter to a girl who had graduated, sent it through her neighbor to her. My words; ‘I have really missed you, and I just want to tell you I love you so very much’. :).

Miss Mumu: 3737
Me: Eisss!

” To me that was the most beautiful letter I ever wrote. The next day at school;
(at the assembly)
Sina: Blessing, that Aunty is calling you.
I ran over to answer her and come back in time for the assembly. By the time I got there, a small congregation of teachers had gathered and they were pointing at me. Finally, they left for the assembly, leaving me the messenger, my messengee(its correct :|), her mom and the Little girl’s class teacher.

Class teacher: ehen, so you’re Blessing. Mgbo u wrote a love letter to her neighbor.
Mother: No. Its to my son, she’s only using my neighbor to cover up.
Me: Aunty please…..
Class teacher: shut up. kneel down there.

The girl I sent was crying, she looked like she had been beaten and denied food the previous day.
Me: aunty please it is not a love letter.
Class teacher: but you wrote I love you in it.

While she was talking my headmaster came up meet us, obviously he had skipped the assembly to address the ‘9 year old Lesbian’.
*Slap* *Slap*
‘So u want to give our school a bad name
I barely heard him sef, my head was ringing. I had been trying to hold the tears, but they started falling freely. By the time the assembly was over, half of the senior teachers rushed over to where I was. After much ado, I was finally released. Even in class, my classmates kept looking at me like a foreign specimen. I could read what was in their minds; The Fat, 9 year old Yellow pawpaw Lesbian. I never mentioned it to my family. But I noted one thing: I love you brought a series of reactions with it.

“We never said I love you in my house, so the first time my mom told me I love you over the phone, I almost choked on my tongue. She kept on saying it till I got used to it. (so that when boys come I’ll be like Hunh! My mom loves me too’ :p)

“The first and only time I told my Father I love you, he started stuttering and then quickly hung up.
And just recently I sent I love yous to a couple of people including my brother. (oh, u ppl thot twas my luv confession. Shio. Mtcheew)

My brothers reaction? He said; ‘lool, I love you too. What’s the matter?
He prolly thot I was going to beg him to lend me money. Lolz.
The general reaction was surprise, oh! She loves me. and then Why do u love me. What makes you think you love me?
Finally someone said ‘Well, I love you too. But I’m not in Love with you

Eureka! That’s my point, you don’t have to be in love with a person to love them. When I wrote that letter, I was trying to express something deeper than words. And I love you has been so restricted to sexual discussions that its eating into our society and attitude. I wonder what a 9 year old would know about lesbianism or falling in love *rolling my eyes*, but they taught I was one because of the letter.

Love is something that is larger than we really know, its a form of existence. An expression of that which words cannot describe. But you have to first love yourself, before you can see the good in others and then love them too. I’m not saying love is easy, of course love hurts, because many times those we love do not love in return. Because sometimes humans capitalize on the fact that you love them to hurt you. Because some humans are just emotionally shortsighted or blind that they do not see. Love is you. That is one of the things that makes gods different from humans. Their knowledge of the potency of love and their ability to use the love or lack of love in you for positive or negative actions.

“Sometimes, some people just need to be shown a little love to do the right thing, to make the right decisions. Love is not about what a person has to offer you, love is on the inside. That which you see in a person. Unity in love can overcome; hatred, War, Sorrow and even indifference. After all, Love Conquers All. No matter how difficult, show an extra bit of love today. Just a tiny weeny bit. Love can be shown in different ways; just a little bit of attention, a smile, a piece of advice, sometimes shutting up for someone to talk to can help, letting others know you’re there for them. Sending text messages to family.

“Someone told me once; ‘Must you be everybody’s friend?‘. Sad but true, even in this age of IDGAF, I still try to be soooooo Nice. So even though a lot of people can mistake niceness for something else, its still good to try. Nevertheless, when humans get extremely annoying, its best to ignore them and get on with life.
Bless You again brethren. :* I Love You.
— ___ — ___ — ___—___—___—___—___—___—___—
Amir: did the slaps pain? ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯
Terdoh: I like your headmaster.
Lade: awww sorry. Love you too
Bla bla bla.
Me: I have just one word to say ; Schadenfreude

“On your way out tho: my gateman would be giving out a piece of yo mammas hug and wraps of Moin Moin as an expression of love from @Moin_Moin. Who said gangsters don’t show luv.

And don’t forget to follow this blog. Just by clicking the 2 small boxes below when you want to drop a comment. Ciao!